Back “home” today

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After a couple of weeks at our new home and experiencing so much peace, beauty, simplicity (even in the chaos of a move), returning back has been a shake up.  This is my first day back in the house that is for sale.  Busy city, busy street, busy house, busyness everywhere and how quickly I just revert back.  Horns blowing, cars passing, phones ringing, rush, rush, rush. Long lists today of “got to’s”, running errands and still have some to run. Not feeling in synch, not feeling single threaded, not feeling grounded–chaos has reentered…………yuck!

It is funny how a location can throw you into habits.  Sort of like when you go back home to visit and all of the sudden you are the kid you were when you were 10 and you believe it so you act like it and everyone teases you the same, treats you the same, calls out your shortcomings the same.  If you always lost things when you were a kid, you of course still do.  If you were a little clumsy as a kid (aren’t so many of us?) you of are still so klutzy.  If you weren’t the smartest kid in the household (grade card wise) you still don’t quite “get it” (even though you are a successful adult and your performance reviews “prove it!” darn it.

We are so programmed to respond. It is not just personality.  As a matter of fact, many times I respond contrary to my values and my personality in certain situations.  It is surroundings…what is going on around me influences me so much.  Sometimes more than others; sometimes not at all.  BUT today it has ALOT.  I think part of it is expectation.  I expected to miss Indiana, I expected it to be crazy here, and I resp0nded accordingly.  I think part of it is wanting to go back so my mind is full of other thoughts that keep me from being focused on what I should be focused on.  I think part of it is that this does not feel so much like home anymore.  So much “stuff” is at the new house.  It is sterile here–house is all “staged” with non descriptive things. The new house feels more like home even though I have been in this house 11 years vs. 11 weeks with the other.

They say home is where the heart is.  Maybe as I am moving my stuff to Indiana pieces of my heart are going as well.  The things I am moving are things I love, things that make me feel comfy, secure and like it is home.  That is good to note-it really is about what is inside the 4 walls rather than the 4 walls.  That means stuff but also people, memories, etc.  As I take pictures and things I cherish the memories and love are transferring as well.  I am making that home.

I need to figure out how to still feel ok here right now.  I still have a few weeks and I need to keep focused, grounded, joyful and peaceful.  Maybe I need to focus on the memories that still surround me here; the love I have experienced here and the beauty that this place too offers even in it’s staged existence.  I need to keep feeling the heart and soul of this place; it will never completely move out of here for me so I need to use it now, count on it now, turn to it now to help me through the messiness of moving and going back and forth.  I need it to help me stay grounded here too while looking forward to a new beginning as well.

 

 

 

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Struggles and Temptations and Expections!

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I am almost through January and the struggle with the shift has hit this morning.  Being a “get it done” person shifting towards a more holistic, “balanced” (whatever that means) person is not without challenges.  I mean eating earlier, doing more reading, lunching with friends, playing Wii, spending time with grown up daughters, doing for others, etc., is FANTASTIC.  BUT the reality hit this morning when I realized that my to do list is incomplete, my mail pile is overflowing, my new file folders have not hit the drawer yet and well, the “new me” just doesn’t get as much done.  She is laughing more and relaxing more and connecting more but she is a bit inefficient for my comfort zone!

Of course that is the welcome mat for old habits to come back through the door. If I worked a little later, never exercised again, only relaxed one night a week, ate 2 hours later every night, slept only 4-5 hours and well went back to some of those comfort zones of the past, wouldn’t I get more done?  The answer is yes… well perhaps it is just maybe.  Come to think of it my list of to do’s has ALWAYS been longer than the hours in my day and outlasted my energy level.

Perhaps the answer lies in my expectations.  Hummmmm, now there is a thought for me to ponder over the next days, weeks and months as I am shifting.  Maybe my expectations should NOT solely lie in getting everything done (define that please), or checking off lots of boxes every day, or having a spotless file box and everything in their color coded place.  Maybe the expectation should center around how I feel and how others feel around me.  And maybe my take on how I feel should not be based on the things around me but on how I feel deep down inside.  Am I feeling loved by myself and by others? Am I enjoying the company of those around me and really focusing on them? Do I really understand that my worth is not based on the number of things I get done but rather by the connections I make with those in my life as well as the peace that I experience in my day?

It is tempting to go back; it is a challenge to live with some things feeling a bit chaotic; but in shifting my paradigm in how I live I also need to shift my expectation of why I live.  Another layer to peel back. How about you?  Change is not easy.  What is your experience and lessons learned?