After a couple of weeks at our new home and experiencing so much peace, beauty, simplicity (even in the chaos of a move), returning back has been a shake up.  This is my first day back in the house that is for sale.  Busy city, busy street, busy house, busyness everywhere and how quickly I just revert back.  Horns blowing, cars passing, phones ringing, rush, rush, rush. Long lists today of “got to’s”, running errands and still have some to run. Not feeling in synch, not feeling single threaded, not feeling grounded–chaos has reentered…………yuck!

It is funny how a location can throw you into habits.  Sort of like when you go back home to visit and all of the sudden you are the kid you were when you were 10 and you believe it so you act like it and everyone teases you the same, treats you the same, calls out your shortcomings the same.  If you always lost things when you were a kid, you of course still do.  If you were a little clumsy as a kid (aren’t so many of us?) you of are still so klutzy.  If you weren’t the smartest kid in the household (grade card wise) you still don’t quite “get it” (even though you are a successful adult and your performance reviews “prove it!” darn it.

We are so programmed to respond. It is not just personality.  As a matter of fact, many times I respond contrary to my values and my personality in certain situations.  It is surroundings…what is going on around me influences me so much.  Sometimes more than others; sometimes not at all.  BUT today it has ALOT.  I think part of it is expectation.  I expected to miss Indiana, I expected it to be crazy here, and I resp0nded accordingly.  I think part of it is wanting to go back so my mind is full of other thoughts that keep me from being focused on what I should be focused on.  I think part of it is that this does not feel so much like home anymore.  So much “stuff” is at the new house.  It is sterile here–house is all “staged” with non descriptive things. The new house feels more like home even though I have been in this house 11 years vs. 11 weeks with the other.

They say home is where the heart is.  Maybe as I am moving my stuff to Indiana pieces of my heart are going as well.  The things I am moving are things I love, things that make me feel comfy, secure and like it is home.  That is good to note-it really is about what is inside the 4 walls rather than the 4 walls.  That means stuff but also people, memories, etc.  As I take pictures and things I cherish the memories and love are transferring as well.  I am making that home.

I need to figure out how to still feel ok here right now.  I still have a few weeks and I need to keep focused, grounded, joyful and peaceful.  Maybe I need to focus on the memories that still surround me here; the love I have experienced here and the beauty that this place too offers even in it’s staged existence.  I need to keep feeling the heart and soul of this place; it will never completely move out of here for me so I need to use it now, count on it now, turn to it now to help me through the messiness of moving and going back and forth.  I need it to help me stay grounded here too while looking forward to a new beginning as well.